Even I don't love Coldplay that much...
Saturday Brain Rot
That could’ve been me at that Coldplay concert. Not the whole cheating on my wife and getting caught on the Jumbotron like the CEO of Astronomer, I just mean, if you’ve read my book Pure Innocent Fun then you know my black gay ass fucking LOVES Coldplay. However, on this leg of their Music of the Spheres World Tour (it’s been going on longer than The Eras Tour, chile…), they skipped New York and I do not love Coldplay enough to travel five hours to Massachusetts to see them. This is where they played on July 16 at the Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, which I learned from the Instagram story of the real estate agent who helped me find my apartment. He’s white, gay, married, and owns homes in Connecticut and Bellport and Manhattan, so he’s exactly the kind of person who would travel five hours to see Coldplay live. This Whole Fest for white, straight people1.
At this point, you definitely already know that Andy Byron got caught on the kiss-cam boo’d up with his company’s HR chief. They’re both married. The camera pans to them during the concert and Andy BOOKS IT out of frame. Chris Martin, my king, says over the microphone, “Either they're having an affair or they're just very shy!” Of course he’s a terrorist who thrives on making people uncomfortable. He was married to Gwyneth Paltrow and dated Dakota Johnson. The three of them are like the people who show up at your door during Funny Games.
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The oddest thing about the whole affair is that grown-ass adults with no lives spent their days messaging Byron’s wife to tell her about the wife and doxxing her. Which is very weird! Internet sleuth’s obsessions with other people’s lives continues to be one of the worst things to come out of social media. If your man cheated on you, would you want strangers messaging you all damn day? Would you want people making memes about it? If this were a film, you’d be on the side of the scorned woman who hates all the media and internet losers who won’t leave her alone. So… stop being losers!
Anyway, as much as I love Coldplay… I don’t think a Coldplay concert will ever be the place for me (unless they play Coachella or some other music festival I’m at). The videos looked like the white version of a cookout. A clambake. That is not a place for me! But let me remind, black Coldplay fans do exist! An excerpt from my book:
I continued with my belief that Coldplay was the worst fucking band in the world, until I was set straight by another idol of mine: R&B goddess Brandy. In 2004, she released the impeccable R&B album Afrodisiac[1]. Her fourth studio album, Afrodisiac was mostly a collaboration with Timbaland, experimented with sounds more than her previous traditional R&B albums. This was an album made for people who loved R&B but also fell in love with the bands that usually played on WB teen soap operas, from Bush to Aimee Mann to Portishead. One of my favorite tracks, “I Tried,” samples heavy metal group Iron Maiden’s “The Clansmen,” a band I’d only heard of in the pages of another of Klosterman’s books, Fargo Rock City, which was an ode to a abundance of ‘80s rock bands I’d never heard of. It’s ironic, then, that the song’s opening verse references Coldplay, who have very little in common with the heavy metal band Iron Maiden, except that they’re both British.
In “Tried,” Brandy she sings, “I think I wanna hear some Coldplay. Especially that song where the man says, ‘Did I drive you away? I know what you’ll say.’” The hilarity of Brandy referring to Chris Martin as simply “the man” aside, I began to think that if Brandy not only listened to Coldplay but was inspired enough by an Iron Maiden song enough to sample it on her album, then maybe there existed a middle ground where you could love saccharine pop songs as much as heavy metal. And so, I did what any college student in 2004 would do when they wanted to hear a new album. I downloaded Coldplay’s album Parachutes on LimeWire, which was a file-sharing service where you could pirate music. Well, and porn and movies, but only if you left your computer on overnight so it could download because downloading anything longer than three minutes in those days took longer than binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy.
While I still haven’t forgiven Pusha T for the Daytona album cover (which was a fucking photo of the hotel bathroom Whitney Houston’s died in!!), he is kind of channeling her on this press tour for Clipse’s new album Let God Sort Em Out.
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Also, thus album is amazing. Even with all the damn Pharrell vocals on it. Still, nothing compares to my favorite Clipse song, “Chinese New Year.” Run that one back, you’ll thank me.
“We were girls together!” Has become the new meme of white gay men, if TikTok and my Fourth of July weekend on Fire Island is any indication. It’s also been around for TikTok and Tumblr white girls for a few years. Make sure you let anyone who says this phrase know that it originates from Toni Morrison’s 1979 novel Sula.
If you don’t know what Whole Fest is, then you don’t follow enough queer people or crackheads on social media. It’s an annual queer music and arts festival held in Germany and it actually sounds a lot of fun but I’m broke this summer (thanks Beyoncé!) and I hate camping.
Ira, the Funny Games reference killlled meeee
ira lol this headline A++++++++++++