The Ryan Gosling Slander Must Stop

On Barbie and Chartreuse cocktails

I don’t know why I’m bothering to respond to Twitter sentiment, where taste and common sense goes to die, but here I am! The teaser trailer for Barbie has dropped and it is fantastic. First of all, we stan Greta Gerwig at Frank. The entire aesthetic is giving The Brady Bunch Movie — fun and camp. The moment Barbie steps out of her shoes and her foot is still arched told me everything I needed to know. This will be my entire personality this summer (along with Mission: Impossible and a slew of other movies, but I’ve always admitted to have multiple personalities!). Plus, the film kicks of Leo season!! And Greta is a Leo herself. This is what I wanna see!!!

Now, what I do not wanna see is the slander that Ryan Gosling has received online. Complaints that he doesn’t look like Ken. That he’s too old. That he’s not hot anymore. First of all, Ryan is one of our finest himbos. That man has been hot since Breaker High and Young Hercules and even La La Land couldn’t ruin that crisp, whites only water bubbler smile of his. Ryan Gosling is Americana. Despite being Canadian. Americana is a farce anyway. And that’s why he’s perfect to play Ken. He’s already a fake USA import. Why not play one of the most iconic ones? Also, name a film Ryan has been bad in*. Name a genre he’s been bad in. Ryan might have left us without a dope beat to step to for a minute, but he is one of our finest actors. If there’s any justice, he’ll get that Oscar someday too. He deserved it for Drive and The Nice Guys, if we’re really being honest here!

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*I would posit that Ryan Gosling is the male Anne Hathaway (according to Louis Virtel’s Anne Hathaway rule), in that he might be in bad movies but he’s never bad in a movie. I’m referring to The Gray Man and Gangster Squad.

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Let Me Be Frank

Apparently, Chartreuse is made by monks. And they’ve now decided to start making less of it to focus on “solitude and prayer.” Much like a Slayer is born into every generation, apparently only two monks at a time know how to make yellow and green Chartreuse. And it’s passed down with each new generation. According to the monks, they don’t think it’s a good thing to populate the world with a luxury liquor. And they never got into the business of making Chartreuse to be rich anyway. Many of my gay friends are in turmoil over this, but my reaction? Thank God.

Let me be frank… Chartreuse tastes disgusting. It’s overly sweet and tastes like you’re chomping on Jurassic era leaves. I’m not a fucking Stegosaurus. When I drink a cocktail I don’t want to taste something akin to absinthe that feels like it has the entire Ferngully rainforest in it. Last year in Fire Island, a friend of mine Mark who also has questionable taste in music and will often ask you to interrupt a party playlist to play Wolf Alice or Arcade Fire, made pina coladas and dumped half a bottle of chartreuse in them. Baby, I’d rather fling myself into the waves than drink a chartreuse-a colada on the beach! I do not want chartreuse on the beach, I do not want it in a box, I will not drink it with a fox. Enough!

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On this week’s Keep It: We discuss the Barbie movie teaser, the Murder Mystery franchise, Married to the Mob, Succession, Daisy Jones and the Six, “Fast Car,” and a Harry Potter TV series. Plus, Rachel Weisz joins to discuss her new series Dead Ringers and adapting Cronenberg for TV. Then we fill in our Rachel Weisz blindspots with The Constant Gardener and About a Boy.

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