RHOSLC: Sweet Milwaukee Buckiin'

RHOSLC Recap

I was on the fence about recapping Real Housewives Salt Lake City this season. I’m writing about RHONY because I already wrote about it last year. And I live there, so it makes sense to critique it. But RHOSLC is currently my favorite franchise, so wouldn’t I rather enjoy it than write about it? BUT the ladies went to Milwaukee this week. My hometown! And so, I gave in. I will always write about Milwaukee (and speaking of, pre-order my essay collection Pure Innocent Fun which has several essays about me growing up in Milwaukee!)

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Season 5, Episode 3: “Basketball, Bobbleheads and the Brow Girl”

Grade: A-

As the ladies pack for Milwaukee, Mary calls Whitney to let her know she will be flying solo and not with “all nineteen of them.” I love that Mary is engaging this season, but also setting boundaries of not having to hear all of those women yakking on a private jet for several hours at 4AM. Good for her. 

Angie’s packing entails custom Greece flag sunglasses that she plans to rock on the streets of Milwaukee. The loose motivation for this is Milwaukee Bucks player Giannis Antetokounmpo is a Greek (and Nigerian) and his nickname is “The Greek Freak” because of his incredible size and speed. Sure, Angie. Maybe during Greek Fest. But that’s in June. She’s also packing some tea for the trip — her Brow Girl is getting flirtatious texts from Jared Osmond (yes, related to those Osmonds), who is supposed to be dating extremely Thirsty Friend of Britani. I’m sure Britani will take this well.

The next morning, Bronwyn arrives at the airport and gives Lisa a chilly reception. She feels like Lisa didn’t have her back when Heather called her out for trash talking Whitney. As a flashback reveals, Lisa actually did say that Bronwyn was joking and not being shady, so I don’t know what the hell Bronwyn is talking about, but I love her, so I will let her feelings be valid. The ladies board a private jet and toast mimosas en route to my hometown.

Heather is far more excited to be visiting Milwaukee than I am to be visiting the citing next week for the Heartland Fall Forum. But it’s because she loves the Alice Cooper Milwaukee scene from Wayne’s World. As she should! Even if she initially confuses him with Gene Simmons, which, fair.

Mary is the first to arrive at the Kinn Guesthouse in Downtown Milwaukee. During a sequence that shows her struggling to get her suitcases and a large Chanel purse into the hotel, she shares with us that her dad used to live in Milwaukee. And that he was Jeffrey Dahmer’s neighbor. I am so glad this woman is back on my television screen. The full quote will be recited by future drama students as an audition monologue: “I love Milwaukee. It makes me think about my dad. He was from Milwaukee. He actually used to live a street away from Jeffrey Dahmer. Every time he would go to work, he would smell a smell and he always said, Where’s that smell coming from? And a week later, they arrested Jeffrey Dahmer. He saw the whole thing go down. I thing he was just being nosy, but he saw it.” I’d have watched that Ryan Murphy show if were about Mary’s dad.

The rest of the ladies arrive, with Whitney’s friend Meili in tow. She’ll become important later. Britani asks Lisa how Jack is doing. Lisa admits that Jack got sick during his mission trip in Colombia and she wanted to fly there immediately to be with him, but he wouldn’t let her. The ladies console her, including Mary! I’m kind of shocked by this softer side of Mary we’re seeing this season and wonder how long it will last.

Whitney announces their plans for the day – they’re going to a Bucks game and they’re also going to the National Bobblehead Hall of Fame and Museum, mostly because Mary called Whitney a bobblehead last season. I love a callback. Mary tells us in a confessional Whitney isn’t a bobblehead anymore. She’s reserved that insult for Thirsty Friend Of Britani. Heather wants to skip the museum and head straight to Potawatomi Casino. I knew I loved Heather.

As the ladies get ready, Britani tries to FaceTime Jared. Who doesn’t respond. Embarrassing herself like this on TV constantly. Girl, stand up. 

Angie, fully earning her center snowflake, checks in with Bronwyn about her fight with Lisa. In order to take the non-existent heat off herself (because Whitney doesn’t even seem to care??), Bronwyn throws Lisa and Heather under the bus for the shady things they said about Meili. In a flashback to the infamous car ride between Bronwyn and Lisa and Heather, Lisa jokes about how Meili is going to get blacklisted from Nordstrom for all her returns. The way these women seem to know how many times people on this show return clothes to stores is startling to me. In a confessional, Bronwyn quickly corrects me: “I’m not throwing Lisa under the bus! But I am turning the bus on.”

Heather checks in on Whitney to see if she’s still feuding with Meredith. You know, because they’re having a fight about both of them selling BATH BOMBS. Whitney says she asked Meredith to bring some caviar for the flight, because that’s her thing. Is it? And Meredith responded: “I’m already bringing it” in a bitchy way. These two are ridiculous. Whitney asks Heather if she’s cool with Bronwyn now. Heather still thinks Bronwyn is two-faced. We flashback to the infamous car ride and learn that the editors still have more footage to show us. Turns out, Bronwyn did make fun of Whitney’s “you wanna see the healed Whitney?” retort and referred to it as trite. Which is not how she said it to Whitney, where she said she loved the clapback. Bronwyn’s definitely faking the funk, but Heather is going a little too hard too early to try and expose the new girl. I get that she’s probably still shell shocked after Monica, but it’s only serving to make Heather look paranoid!

Heather, Meredith, Lisa, Angie, and Britani head to the casino. Lisa explains how gambling is frowned upon in the Mormon church. I’m sure the church frowns on most of this show. But she’s not addicted, which is why she calls it Mormon 2.0. She shares a harrowing story about how being on a flight next to a Mormon teenage boy with his hoodie on watching porn for four hours straight. Watching porn just to watch it… dark.

Whitney, Mary, Bronwyn, and Meili hit up the Bobblehead Museum. They do a bobblehead scavenger hunt which sounds like it’d be fun for about… half an hour. They find Golden Girls bobbleheads and decide which ones they are. The editors then superimpose their faces on the Golden Girls. Mary’s face on Rose sends me to an early grave.

Britani shows Lisa a “I didn’t see you called” text from Jared. Girl. Lisa takes Britani’s phone and texts “I’m having fun with the girls, talk to you tomorrow.” She tells Britani that she can’t make a man her identity. “He asked me to be his girlfriend,” Britani says. Girl. He called you his “best friend” and took a picture of you in Costco. Get a grip!

Heather checks in with Meredith about the caviar. Meredith doesn’t think asking her to gift caviar to everyone on the trip is an olive branch. But that’s not the important part of this scene. Meredith has some new RUMORS and NASTINESS to spread this season. Whitney is selling jewelry from ALIBABA and claiming it as her own!!! Even the Duolingo Owl couldn’t mimic the way Meredith pronounces ALIBABA. Meredith reiterates that this isn’t a rumor. It’s on social media! The streets are talking! Which is why she told it to Heather, because Heather is the streets and she’ll tell Whitney about it.

At the Bucks Arena (I refuse to use it’s real, very stupid, corporate name), the ladies sit front row to watch the team warm-up. Whitney, Bronwyn, and Lisa get photos with Damian Lillard, the very hot Bucks point guard. Angie, adorned in her Greek flag sunglasses, Giannis jersey, white fur coat, and a greek flag draped on her back, while also holding a Greece flag, takes photos on the court and gets in the players’ way. Maybe she’s doing a LITTLE too much with the Greece here. 

The ladies are taken to a private suite. Mary refuses to use the restroom there, however, because she doesn’t use public restrooms. Don’t worry. She holds her pee by wearing a tampon. A LARGE TAMPON, though. Not the medium or the small. How does this woman not have a urinary tract infection…

Oh, brother. Britani FaceTimes with Jared from the game. At this point, it’s giving thirsty for a storyline. Nobody has ever tried to FaceTime anyone this much in the history of iPhones. Angie, who’s behind Britani, says hi to Jared, then immediately turns to Bronwyn and tells the Tale of the Brow Girl’s DMs. I’m SICK. She does not give a single fuck that Britani is directly in front of her. She reads aloud Jared’s text that says “me and Britt are not together” while Britani gives him a goodbye kiss on the phone. Britani hears her name and asks Angie if she’s talking about her. Angie spills the tea. Britani doesn’t look shocked at all. This can’t be new information to her??

Meredith comforts a sobbing Britani in the bathroom. She’s a better person than me. I’m not consoling anyone on the 18th breakup with anybody.

Lisa asks Bronwyn how the museum went. We get a flashback (of course) to Meili asking Bronwyn why she’s been talking trash about her outfits. Bronwyn tells Meili that she needs to check in with LISA and not her. In the present, Meili does just that. Btw, the comments are not about the outfits per se. They’re about whether or not Meili can afford them. I think the girls all think the outfits are cute! They just think she’s broke. Bronwyn calls out Lisa and Heather for making her shade out to be rude, while they get away with it.

Heather says she didn’t mean to put Bronwyn on blast (now Heather…), to which Bronwyn replies, “we need to get correct about a couple things.” Where is Bronwyn from?? I know she was “raised Mormon” and attended BYU, but she’s giving very Lala Kent season 4 of Vanderpump Rules energy. Like she just stepped off the set of a VH1 show. Back when we liked Lala. Heather might wanna fall back before she ends up with a second black eye!