It's a Mary Cosby World and We're Lucky to Be Living In It

RHOSLC Recap

This week’s recap of RHOSLC will be the last one for free subscribers. Starting next week, RHOSLC recaps will be for paid Frank subscribers.

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Season 5, Episode 4: “The Epiphany”

Grade: A

Serendipitously, I was in Milwaukee this week while the Salt Lake ladies were still visiting my hometown. I’ll share more on my visit home and hosting the Heartland Bookseller Awards in a future post, but I had an enjoyable time visiting home. And also, this show has managed to make Milwaukee look fun? And kind of chic? I know that Bravo fans always complain about domestic trips, but sometimes it’s nice to find places you can visit in the United States too.

I have no idea why the ratings are so low for the best series on Bravo. Is it the time slot? Is it the lack of promo? Because this is definitely the best Real Housewives season that has aired this read aside from Orange County. What’s going on? Why aren’t people watching this show??

We start this week’s episode with Heather and Whitney imitating the Laverne & Shirley opening credits. It’s cute! The ladies start to get ready for the day, which includes Bronwyn calling her much older husband (this will be important later) and filling him in on her fight with Whitney and Lisa. I love when the husbands pretend to care about this shit. Either they don’t give a fuck or they’re the messy kind that loves to get involved in women’s business. 

Whitney finds Mary getting ready and using a hot comb to straighten her hair. Whitney asks what it is and Mary responds, “a straightening comb.” When a bewildered Whitney stares at her blankly, Mary dismisses her with, “it’s for Black girls.” Mary is putting in more effort this season but she’s not explaining Black haircare to Whitney Rose, okay?? Whitney’s plan for the day is a private beer and cheese tasting at the Miller Brewery, dinner at the Harley Davidson Museum, and dinner at This Is It!, the gay bar Trixie Mattel recently bought.

Messy Meredith kicks off the morning by informing Lisa that Angie and Whitney are Team Hate Lisa. Angie seems to have realized the tide is turning against Lisa and jumped on the good foot. What started as a potential Whitney takedown season in the premiere has slowly shifted to a Lisa Barlow takedown season? Oh Whitney, the woman that you are… Because of this, Lisa decides to skip out on Whitney’s plans for the day and just meet her for dinner later. She takes Britani and Meili with her on her this journey. Girl, the Friends Of? You’re that pressed for allies? Oh, it’s bad for my sister this season.

The sprinter van to the Miller Brewery becomes a Lisa diss fest. Whitney asks Meredith if she told Lisa what she and Angie said about her. Meredith is like, of course I did. LMAO. Now you know Meredith is always gonna run and tell that the minute she gets tea on somebody. 

Lisa goes curling with the Friends Of. Lisa, you’re better than this.

Meanwhile, the other ladies are having a swank time in the Miller Caves. As they prepare for a beer and cheese tasting, Mary reveals that she’s never had beer before! And so, like Kamala Harris on Stephen Colbert, she tries Miller High Life — the champagne of beers!! — for the first time. And believe it or not… Mary loves it. “I had no idea there was an upscale beer. It’s regal!” Marrrrryyyyy. Angie asks if they have feta cheese. She never shuts up about Greek shit, does she? How many Greek references didn’t make the final episode cut?

Britani gets a text from the D-List Osmond. Meanwhile, the text starts out “hey BFF” and he asks her why she “terminated the friendship.” She was not dating this man!! I smell a stunt. I smell a fake storyline. I’m tired of Britani.

Bronwyn reveals that her old ass husband Todd used to work at the Miller Brewery briefly out of college. Before she was even born. Okay… moving on. Some of the ladies go to hear some of the brewery’s ghost stories. Mary turns the tables on the employees though, because she starts talking about her father living near Jeffrey Dahmer. “One day they were taping off the apartment. And they were bringing bags to the police cars. And he said, I had no idea they were body parts. And they were cooked.” Jesus. But the confessional kicker that takes me all the way out: “My dad did lie sometimes. So, hope he didn’t make that up.” This is absolutely Mary’s season. She’s the MVP.

Heather and Whitney remain in the caves so Heather can spill the tea that Meredith absolutely set her up to spill. She brings up the ALIBABA allegations. Whitney denies that she’s selling jewelry from Alibaba and that her business partner thinks “one of Whitney’s friends” posted it on social media. Girl, not you trying to create another Monica situation. Meredith is not that bored! Whitney says she buys for curated vendors. “That’s called commerce! It’s not like Meredith is out there in the ocean, diving for her caviar!” Whitney is pissed that Meredith is up to her old tricks of spreading “rumors and nastiness.” Well, she’s not wrong!

I know a sprinter van hates to see these women coming, because later that evening while en route to dinner, Whitney confronts Meredith about the Alibaba allegations. Whitney and Meredith go back and forth, which entertains me, but annoys Mary. Whitney asks everyone to please be respectful at the Harley Davidson Museum, as if she didn’t just start a fight in the van on the way to dinner.

You’ll never believe this… but Whitney is the first person to bring up her fight with Meredith AGAIN at dinner. She is a mess. A beautiful mess. She tells Meredith if she really cared about her business, she would’ve called her instead of telling Heather. Lisa tries to defend Meredith, but Whitney snaps back: “this is a conversation between Meredith and I.” Whitney is mad that everyone is gossiping about her. Lisa points that Whitney gossips about everyone too. Whitney pulls out her therapy speak and says she feels steamrolled by Lisa and Meredith. Angie tries to jump in, because she sees Lisa on the ropes and wants to get a whack in. She accuses Lisa of being a controlling friend. Lisa is actually in the right here, because Angie was running her mouth when she shouldn’t have been. But she also got the center snowflake by doing it… so I guess it worked out!

Angie leaps out of her seat, knocking over her chair. We get a DRAMATIC ZOOM of the chair on the ground. The editors are top notch lmao. Lisa tries to shut Angie down by saying, “Go call Elektra, isn’t what you always do?” Now Lisa, you go ballistic whenever someone even MENTIONS Jack and now you’re bringing up Angie’s daughter? It wasn’t disparaging to Elektra, but it was still ill-advised!

Britani tries to break the ice by announcing that she is officially broken up with Jared. Girl, we do not give a fuck. She claims she had an EPIPHANY. The editors respond to this by showing every time Britani has told the other women she’s had an “epiphany” about Jared. Btw, she also hasn’t even told Jared they’re broken up yet. Not that she needs to! Because they’re not even dating! Bronwyn asks Britani what she even likes about Jared. Is it because he’s an Osmond? Heather asks if he lives on Osmond Lane, which used to be an expensive gated community in the ‘90s. Bronwyn is tired of the bullshit. She straight up asks, “are you in love with him or are you in love with Osmond?” Now… I do fully support Bronwyn here, because I’m sick of hearing about this damn storyline. But… I’m gonna have to give Britani her 10s for a second!! Because she immediately claps back with, “I think you should worry about your own marriage.” She wants to know why Bronwyn is in everyone else’s business, so what’s going on in her marriage with… Britani doesn’t actually know her husband’s name. Bronwyn says “you should probably know my husband’s name” if you wanna make digs, but idk, that kinda made me laugh. 

Britani wants to know if Bronwyn is in love with her husband or in love with the money. “Are you attracted to him?” Bronwyn calls that a low blow. It was! And you kind of deserved that whack, sorry! Bronwyn says that she’s very attracted to her husband. For some reason, she also throws in that she and Todd don’t have a pre-nup. Huh? Maybe we’re sharing a bit too much. Whitney is on Bronwyn’s side because she’s been accused of being a gold digger in the past. Well Whitney, you got your man fired, so I don’t think you’ve been hearing any of those accusations recently! Heather wants to hear more about the “no pre-nup!” Meredith says “that’s their business.” Oh, she wants to mind her own business for once?

The ladies change their clothes to head to the drag show. Bronwyn changes into a Moschino hot dog dress and cape. Okay… she’s officially doing a little too much for me. Mary was on board for the Saint Laurent heart coat. But the hot dog? That’s a costume to her. Exactly. Unlike last year, when Mary skipped out on the gay bar trip, we end the episode with Mary dancing on stage and the crowd chanting: “Mary! Mary! Mary!” It’s a Mary Cosby world, and we’re lucky to be living in it!

*An earlier version of this recap stated Bronwyn wore a Moschino coat, it was a Saint Laurent coat.