Batichica!!!!

Pump Pedro Almodóvar's Batgirl in my veins

Pedro and his muse. Juan Naharro Gimenez/Getty Images.

Back in November at the AFI premiere of Parallel Mothers, where I got to breathe the same air as my icon Pedro Almodóvar… he told Variety that he’d be down to direct a Batgirl film (“I would like to do something with Batgirl, but I would have to do it in my own way.”). Pedro has intimated before that he doesn’t hate superhero films the way some of his contemporaries do (imagine a man whose films are inspired by telenovelas hating comic books). In fact, he’s had a rather apt critique about the recent run of comic book movies: “There are many, many movies about superheroes. And sexuality doesn’t exist for superheroes. They are neutered. There is an unidentified gender, the adventure is what’s important. You can find, among independent movies, more of this sexuality. The human being has such sexuality! I get the feeling that in Europe, in Spain, that I have much more freedom than if I worked here.” Okay, he spilled.

It’s why everyone has been hotly debating whether or not Matt Reeves’ The Batman is sexy or not. It is. Robert Pattinson and Zoë Kravtiz’s chemistry is off the charts. Even her annoying Oscars comments can’t take that away from me!!! It was three hours of porn between their chemistry and Michael Giacchino putting his whole pussy in that score. Never mind that I saw the film at the Pathé Tuchinksi in Amsterdam, which might be the most gorgeous movie theater I’ve ever witnessed in my life. It’s more like a gothic opera hall than a shitty modern multiplex or a rundown vintage movie theater. Heartbreak doesn’t look good in a place like that, tuberculosis does. I was coughing blood into my napkin every hour. It’s a long ass movie.

At any rate, Penelope Cruz* has entered the Batgirl conversation. As Pedro’s muse, she stated: “That sounds so coo. I don’t even need to read that script… I haven’t done that genre, but with Pedro it would be revolutionary.” And that’s all I need to hear. WB needs to greenlight Batichica immediately. I want it completely in Spanish. If Tim Burton’s Batman films** were an orgasm of artistry, this might just send me into an early grave.

*I will forgive Jessica Chastain for taking Penelope’s Oscar if we get a sequel to The 355. This is my new Salt. I need The 356 in production now.

**Catwoman has at least two lives left after Batman Returns. I would give up my non-existent firstborn for a chance to see Penelope Cruz battling Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman on the silver screen.